Political Scientist, M. D.

I was born to offspring of the Greatest Generation.  My mother was a southern belle raised on a plantation in the Deep South and my father was an intellectual titan.  After graduating in the early 1930’s at the top of his class in mechanical engineering he went on to repeat his stellar performance at Georgetown Law School.
Having a father brilliant in both numbers and analytical thinking turned out to be a double edged sword.  On one hand, I had someone who always understood my homework and could deftly sail through it without using a lifeline for the answers.  But…academic help always came with a price.  He never defined a word for me.  I had to look it up.  He never completely finished a math problem, but solved it to a point.  It was up to me to solve it from there.  Home chores like mowing the lawn and cleaning out the attic were some of his favorite Quid Pro Quo’s.
Algebra. Trigonometry.  I muddled through these and managed to make it to the other side.  Calculus was a different matter entirely. Whoever “invented” calculus should be hind and quartered and removed from polite society.
He wanted me to become a medical doctor insisting lawyers were a dime a dozen and doctors were always in demand.  It made sense to me.
I started my college career fifty-six years ago taking a set of courses that would qualify me for medical school.  I learned early on that “medicine” is not a major, but I could qualify for medical school taking a variety of courses, many in the natural sciences; biology, zoology, chemistry, with lab time required for most. Then I encountered organic chemistry…a derivative of calculus as far as I could figure and it’s “inventor” should suffer the same fate as the prankster who invented calculus.
Before my first exam in this course from hell, I “withdrew passing” and chose a different, real major: Political Science.
Now I had to inform my father of my life changing decision.
Before we met, I removed all weapons from the house including candle-sticks and small pieces of furniture.
“That’s just great!” he barked, leaving subtlety somewhere in the basement.
“On your way home today from your class in ‘The Constitution-What Good Is It?’”, why don’t you drive around and take pictures of every business that advertises having a Political Scientist on staff.
“You won’t need a camera,” he snorted.
“See how many business shingles claim the named occupant is a Political Scientist.”
Point taken.
I received my degree in political science and embarked on an adventure I still haven’t figured out after more than fifty years.
The simple fact is, I was born too early.
What my dad and I never knew at the time is that tens of millions of Americans today trust political prescriptions more than medical ones.
The “Science” in Political Science is tantamount to real science (to some).
Can you believe it?
It’s conceivable I’m not too old (okay, maybe), to hang a sign out front displaying my name with the title, “Political Scientist, M.D.”
I can tell my “patients” that COVID-19 is a Democratic hoax and will just go away and these nitwits will believe me.
If some complain they have symptoms they can’t identify, I’ll ask if they have any Clorox around their house, and if they do, I’ll suggest they drink a cup or five. They’ll break down my door racing home to make good on my prescription.

It’s a comfort knowing that “dumb” is a real medical condition, but it has no cure, no rehab regimen and no medical specialty to treat it.
As a Political Scientist, M.D., I can say anything that comes to mind when treating a moron and I’m good.  I can falsely claim, “Democrats are all pedophiles….Forest fires are caused by space lasers…Biden’s not a legitimate president…stop the steal at the Capitol and I’ll come with you…horny toads are descended from royalty”…, and, regardless of the crap I say, I’m revered as a font of immutable truths.
I can follow my training and announce my candidacy for public office; any office including the presidency.
Once I advertise for campaign donations, I can retire.  Rich.  My parents would rejoice in my success.

America.  What a country.

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